Lost in my mind
by xredSunburstx
Summary: Jane falls in love with Maura and it is actually the first time she opens up to the idea of love. But she's too scared to admitt it. Will a fight about Maura change everything? Love can happen anyhow.


_Important Author Message_: I haven't written in a very long time (well it felt like that for me), and I missed it like hell… writing for me, writing for others to make them feel what I feel, to make them see… pain, fear… and love… hope… sometimes we all need something to escape our every day life… and dream. That's what fanfiction means to me.

I haven't written in a long time. Maybe because I always thought I'm not good enough, reading all those AMAZIING fanfictions out there.

But then I heard this song… it really captured me and I thought about something. I had this pictures flying around in my head and I just HAD to get out and for you to read, because for me it's a story that feels… I don't know… real… and I hope you can feel the sweetness, too.

And I am sorry if I messed up some grammar… I'm not native American and I guess I really need to work through some school books, hehe.

I hope you enjoy reading this little story … it is planned to be an oneshot… but well… everything can be managed ;)

And by the way… this wonderful song is by _The Head and The Heart – Lost in my mind._

You should listen to it, like I did the whole time while writing this.

_**Lost in my mind**_

**Momma once told me  
You're already home where you feel love  
I am lost in my mind  
I get lost in my mind**

My life has always been kind of a rollercoaster, always felt like falling down. The truth is that I haven't had a bad life. I grew up in a family who loves me, with an overbearing mother, a father I could always go to and two brothers that made me often want to over think being a detective and rather go into the other direction, but I loved them anyhow. I finished school and went straight to the police academy and after a few very hard but successful years I graduated there, too, and before I knew it I became a detective. My life had been far from perfect, being born in a plumber's family without enough money to do what you want. We weren't born poor, but we didn't have enough money either.

Dreams vanished, Fears stayed.

But I still made it. I could be proud of myself. I actually should be proud.

But somehow I never got to that point. I never got to the point where I felt proud: I never got to the point where I felt at peace and content with my life. I am sad to say that I actually never truly felt love. Yes, I love my brothers and my mom, my dad… I loved my nonna with all of my heart. But, listening to all the stories my momma read to me when I was a little girl and which I cited to my baby brothers, I realized that there's another kind of love, a love that isn't bound to blood, to family. A love that isn't bound to money, to society or to their rules. It is bound to no rules at all.

This kind of love makes you believe that everything is possible; it makes you want to be thankful for everything that went wrong in your life, because it brought you here. It brought you to this certain person. This love makes you literally fly. It makes you feel all the pain in this world, you are afraid that she'll leave you and you're once again alone… all on your own... Now knowing what it means to be... loved… Yes, this love makes you feel everything, but over all it makes you realize how beautiful life can be.

**But your dreams away for now  
I won't see you for some time  
I am lost in my mind  
I get lost in my mind**

I have never had a love like that… and the older I get, the less I believed that it is actually out there.

When I started working in Homicide as a detective it was pretty hard for me to find my way into this men filled domain. I was the centre of attention, and not in a really good way. I had to work twice as long, twice as hard, twice as… I just had to be better, harder, tougher than the guys. You know I've always been swimming in between. Not being a real girl, but I also didn't belong to the boys. But working with them, not being accepted, no matter what I am doing was beyond hard.

But I did everything I could do to be treated with respect and to be left alone with all the jokes. Every day I did not find a wooden spoon or a bra on my desk was a success.

And one day I started being one of them. When they talked about women I started talking with them. When they whistling I wasn't shushing them down, telling them how disrespectful and sexist that was. Instead I told them how hot that chick looked. It was easier being this way than the other. And to be honest it was great to talk openly about yourself, being one of the guys, talking about the hot girl over there. I wasn't searching for love and I did not treat the girls like I did, because neither did they.

In my opinion love didn't truly exist. It was a lie they wanted us to believe. To make money, to make us buy things, watch sappy movies, celebrating days like Valentines Day. Puke.

**How's that bricklayin' coming  
How's your engine running  
Is that bridge getting built  
Are your hands getting filled  
**

I also never believed when they said love could change everything, because, hey I didn't believe in love and a happily ever after, so when I finally realized that I was actually falling in love it was like a punch to my face and a chuck Norris roundhouse kick to my stomach… Maybe that's the butterflies they talked about?

And after the first real shock it sunk in, deeper and deeper, it felt like a heavy stone in my heart. I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

Our Medical Examiner, the women I worked with on a daily basis, the only person in this department I called by the first name… this wonderful, geeky human being… this magnificent beautiful woman… I was falling in love with her. Every single day, every beer I drank in her companion and every meal we ate together, a little bit more.

And dammit… I had to acknowledge it, admit it, even… no… I couldn't ay it out loud. It'd destroy everything. As long as I'd keep it in it could do no harm.

Well… that's what I actually believed…

"Hey Rizzoli… where are ya with yer thoughts?" Crowe asked me and I actually had to look up into the faces of my colleagues to realize where I was.

"I bet she's with the hot guest attorney over there." Someone else said and the guys laughed.

_Keep cool, Rizzoli. Keep your attitude. _I told myself over and over again, just like I did the last weeks.

"What do ya think? Of course. Look at her curves. Butter would melt on that body. I wouldn't mind to show her how hot she actually looks." I replayed with a cool smirk plastered on my face, while I actually thought how stupid I sounded. But this was part of the game; they laughed, I was left alone and could take another sip of my coffee before we turned back to work. The guys clapped my shoulder in endorsement and started to walk by. _Thank god it's over _I thought, when I set my cup down, ready to work another few hours in which I'd try to not think about Maura. My new every day routine that even followed me into the late night hours.

But I guess when something needs to be discussed and you need to open up about some things and be true to yourself, destiny walks by and it decides that this time you can't just go on and ignore what you truly want… how you truly feel about something.

And this time destiny's name was Crowe.

I was just walking to my desk when I heard him say to one of the others. "You know who I'd like to screw over? The ME. I'd show her what a real man is. Maybe then she'd open up a lil bit, instead of hiding down there. That's a lil creepy. But hey… you can't just bang the cool girls, the weird girls want some lovin' too. And well… she's hot… so... why not?"

I don't know what happened to me when I heard him say that, but something within me changed. I could take all the shit from them, all the jokes about women, all sexist comments. Hell I could even be one of them to make it stop. But I would never allow them to talk about someone as wonderful and innocent as Maura.

I spun around, looking at him with my eyes almost black.

"Take it back."

"What did ya say?" He asked, still smiling proudly. This bastard with this shark alike smile.

God, how much I hated him. How could I ever talk to him without telling him what an idiot he is?

You know… people change… they do all the time. Sometimes they act wrong, out of different reasons, until they realize that's not how they are and it's not how they want to be. In some point they just have to decide which way to go, which way to be… and then actually do it.

And I decided to be who I truly am. Who I want to be.

"Take. That. Shit. Back." Through gritted teethes I talked to him, my fists balled.

"Why should I?" he asked before he started laughing hysterically. "Gosh, Rizzoli, did ya lil heart fall in love? Ya got it bad for our nerdy ME?"

"One last chance, Crowe. Take it back. She is a lady. You don't talk about a lady like that."

And then they laughed. All of them.

Okay… maybe that wasn't the best to say. But for the first time there wasn't a border from what I felt, thought and actually said.

I said what I believed and I believed that Maura was a lady. So beautiful and pure like a diamond. In my eyes she was perfect, even in her nerdy geeky, bad socializing way. In everything she did she found exaltation. She was filled with a passion I yet had to find. My only passion was my job… and now it was Maura, too. Maura was lady and she deserved the best. Even if she would never love me back I wouldn't allow someone to talk about her like that.

"I won't Rizzoli. She's a bitch like every girl out there… actually…"

I believe he didn't see my fist coming until he felt his nose breaking and I actually didn't know what I was doing until I hit him, hard, and my hand started to hurt like hell.

The next thing I knew was him swearing and Frost who pulled me back, trying to calm me down when I next wanted to place my foot in his little sacred palest.

But breaking his nose was enough to be involved in a really heated conversation with the Lieutenant and I don't believe "He harassed the woman I'm in love with!" counts as an explanation.

So, in retrospect I'm grateful for what he did, because his next words changed everything for me.

**Lost in my mind  
Lost in my mind  
Oh I get Lost in my mind  
Lost, I get lost, I get lost in my mind  
Lost in my mind  
Yes I get lost in my mind  
Lost, I get lost, I get lost  
Oh I get lost  
Oh I get  
**

"Oh man, Jane! What got into you? Not that I never wanted to hit Crowe, he's an asshole… but… gosh… that's bruising pretty bad."

_Badly_. God, she really got to me…

"I think you should see the doc."

I nodded, barely able to touch my own hand, which was pounding and actually bleeding a little bit.

After what happened right now Maura was the last one I wanted to see, too much going in within my head right now, but I didn't want it to get worse. The only thing out of this fight should a few harsh words from the Lieutenant, but not a broken hand.

I walked past Crowe who was still lying on the floor, swearing and threatening me. With a simple "Fuck off." I bushed to elevator button and waited for it to arrive.

Like always, when I walked down the floor to the morgue and Maura's office my heart started pounding furiously in my chest. God, this couldn't be healthy, could it?

And like always Maura was bent over one of our victims, working, and even if it was gross, I watched her doing her work, admiring her beauty… even when she was surrounded with death… she is glowing. With her around me I could never get lost, not even in my own head. She was the one who brought me back, who got me out of the darkness, brought me back to the light.

Yes, this had to be love.

"Maura…" I said. Half said, half whispered.

She looked up, her face changing from concentration to happiness. She beamed at me, showing me her beautiful smile. God… now I am the butter that is melting…

"Jane! It's so nice to see you! I thought you might be out, you know catching another perp, because I haven't seen you down here, yet… you know I…" She stopped mid sentence, something she rarely did. Maura could talk for hours, without a halt. And I could listen, without a complaint.

"And I guess I was right…" she said, the twinkle in her eyes suddenly changing. She took a step back and washed her hands before she came near me. It was like coming near the sun when she touched my hands to examine them. What I loved… no… what I appreciated and what I was thankful for was the short glance she gave me as if she waited for me to allow it before she actually touched my hands. But I never minded. With her I'd never mind.

"What did you do this time, Jane? Didn't I tell you to be careful? A bone can't be broken a hundred times before it takes harm and you don't have nine life's!" She bickered, just like my mom did, but with her I didn't mind, because what I saw in her eyes was deep concern and affection. Was this… affection for me? Or just because she was always so deeply concerned about people and so humanly, even if she was called queen of the death. I never saw someone being so gentle with our victims, talking to them, trying to find out what happened to them to bring them peace.

"Please sit down, Jane. I need to look at your hand and supply so I won't be swelling too much."

And then she started to talk about in what different ways I could have hurt myself while she was looking over it, bandaging it up.

I couldn't listen to what she said and I didn't even mind the pain that radiated from my hand. The only thing I saw was her face, her beautiful alabaster like face and her full lips, her green brown eyes and her shiny blond brown hair and the curl that got lost and now graced her face.

I could only think about how much I wanted to kiss her and show her how beautiful she was.

I first realized that she was still talking to me when she actually said my name.

"What?" I asked guilty that I wasn't listening to her. I hated to give her the feeling I didn't care about all the things she told me… Honestly I researched everything she told me so I would know what she meant and I could talk to her the next time this topic came up. Somehow I wanted to make her proud… more than I ever wanted to be recognized by anyone.

**Won't you tell me my lover  
Cause there are stars up above**

"I asked you what happened this time? Were you tackling a perp, falling down from a fire ladder? Which stunt did you make this time?" She asked me, half smiling, half accusing. I know she hated it when I hurt myself on the job, necessary or not.

"No… didn't do anything stupid." I answered. I wanted to lie to her about that, but I couldn't. It'd be so easy to say Yes and tell her one of my stories how I had to stop someone to get away. But I couldn't. Maybe because my heart felt it was time to let go.

"What did you do then, Jane? You hand doesn't just bruise because of nothing! If it wasn't a perp what was it then?!"

"Why has it always to be me? I didn't start this!"

"Start what…"

"Okay actually I started it but Crowe was an asshole!"

"Jane…"

"I could not not hit him!" I finally blurted out, trying to defence myself. The people should thank me for not getting a lawyer…

"You did what?" Her voice was full with accusation, again. But as a detective I can swear that I partly heard amusement, too.

"Hey don't blame me! He was an asshole! Someone had to do something!"

"Okay… beside the point that you can't just hit someone, because he is an a… isn't a nice person…." I smirked. She almost said asshole… maybe I'm getting to her, too.

"… What did he do this time?"

My grin grew bigger, because she actually got passed the "how could you do that, jane?" speech straight to the point where she tried to understand what made me do it. She's so… perfect…

And well… that's the problem… I couldn't tell her what he did, because then she would know why I did it. And that would mean I couldn't hide anymore and try to not love her, what is damn difficult if you once know Maura isles.

She looked at me like I was used to be looked at by our teachers when I once got out of a brawl, because one of my school mates insulted one of my brothers. I always hated it when someone insulted my loved ones. My loved ones… Loved…

I know I couldn't lie anymore. This would take its round like every gossip did and then she knows, too. Better it's from me than from any of the guys.

"She said some cruel things about you. No one say cruel things about you." I explained, looking away, my heart jumping up and down. I'll send that stupid trampoline back!

Her face softened and that twinkle in her eyes was back, in full shine, in full and bright shining high definition.

When her soft fingers started to dance over the back of my hand I realized that she was still holding my hand.

And when she started to talk I realized how near she already was.

"You did this because of me?" She was so near her whisper sounded like she was talking in my ears.

"Of course… I would do anything for you, Maur. You deserve to be treated like a Lady, nothing less… You deserve the best… You deserve…"

And before I realized what was happening I felt her lips on mine while her fingers were still caressing the skin she could reach.

Love.

It actually exists.

**We can start moving forward**

…

Thanks for reading this! I'd be grateful for your reviews to know what I did wrong and what was right. I'd like to know what you think and feel.


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